Salvation - the Former Years

Significant Moments:

• When approximately 9 years old I was walking with Mum and said "I don't need to go to church because I know God lives in my heart'.
• When approximately 13 years old, walking to high school, remembering exactly where I was (Cordelia Avenue, Coolbellup, crossing the road) I said to myself 2 x "I don't know what I am here for, but I know it is for a special reason.  I don't know what I am here for but I know it is for a special reason:.
• When 29 years old, 1997, I responded to God's call through Jesus Christ and received forgiveness and salvation.

The Full Story:

I remember when I was about 9 or so, I was walking with my mum and out of the blue I said to her 
'I don't need to go to church because God lives in my heart'. It is probably one of the most profound things I have ever said! (I do believe that church is a good and blessed place to go, as God says to meet together, but back then, this was a statement of Faith).  My memory recalls my mum 'falter' and say something like 'well, yes, umm, ok' but I think she was more shocked about what I had just said, and she didn't really know how to respond. On the day it was just a random thought and comment, and it just flew out of my heart and mouth.  I've never forgotten that one little moment!  God lives in my heart!

The background. The influences.

My Nana became / was a very devout Catholic. She would arrive at our place on Sunday mornings to take us to church. I went once or twice, but I was extremely timid and shy and scared. I didn't like going to church or any gathering because there were ... 'people there'. My Nana, bless her heart, would always talk God, but there was always a lot of fear in her talk.  Such as: the 3 days of darkness (she even had a special candle made up so it would last 3 days... it was really tall!) and it was all doom doom doom, punishment etc.

My first three school years were at a Catholic school, then I moved to a public school across the road from home. Around this time, 8 or 9 years old, Nana would collect us for church. I would stay in bed most Sunday's and wait until I could see Nana walking down the street with my older brother and younger sister being held by her hand's. After knowing they were on their way I would happily get up for the day. This one time, I got up a bit early and Nana arrived; Dad was in the garden, so I quickly went outside and I said, Dad, I'm helping you in the garden, OK? (probably the first and last time I've ever volunteered for garden work!). The next thing I hear from the house is, 'Bernadette, are you going to church today?'. I promptly called out, 'I'm helping Dad in the garden';  Dad followed with 'Yes, she is helping me in the garden'. Quietly I said 'thanks Dad' and that was the end of that. I am not sure how long I helped Dad that day, but more than likely it may have been till the coast was clear! Hence, my Grand mother gave me the titled 'the little atheist in the family'.

Every night though, before I went to bed, I wouldn't sleep until I said my prayers. I would say an Our Father, a Hail Mary, and a Glory Be. I would do as I was taught by the Catholic upbringing, to repeat them, and I would say thanks for the day and ask for a blessing upon family etc. I felt it was important to pray before I slept.  I would also have terrible nightmares most nights. Usually they were about someone, or some animal, usually a giant monkey (gorilla size), chasing me, trying to kill me. Or a person trying to catch me, and often trying to shoot and kill me, most times the aim was at my head. There were others in the dream, strangers, they would often get killed, but I would always manage to escape. I would spend most of my dream, running, hiding, escaping, and basically, just trying to stay alive. Other times, I would wake with an overwhelming fear that something was under my bed and I couldn't move. I don't remember ever going to my parents, I would either pray or I would put my thoughts on Snow White, and be her. As I got older I was still having nightmares, so my thoughts would often be thoughts of rescue - where I was in danger and someone was coming to help me.

Mum had one of those big huge family bibles, on a stand in the middle of the table in the downstairs addition to our home. I would open it up and look at the pages, maybe read something, often go to the children's stories at the back and look at the pictures..... I was drawn to this book. I loved the way it looked, smelt, and felt. I knew it was a special book.

Mum and Dad separated when I was 13, and even though I would continue to say prayers, and trust God when situations called for it, I didn't go to church. I didn't read a bible and am not sure where that big family bible was. I stayed away from my Nana's discussions. The only couple that really had an impact on me were my Uncle and Aunty. I always felt safe around them. Their faith and love was important to my feeling secure. I also had another Aunty, my dad's step sister. She served in the Salvation Army with her husband. She would write cards to me every year for my birthday and Christmas and always spoke of Jesus and she always said she prayed for my family. I felt safe with Aunty's faith.   [continued part 2]