I was given this little book called His Princess, love letters from your King. Today I read the above page and it really spoke to me about a situation I was in 8 - 10 years ago.
This little devotional speaks of two roads to travel and how God calls us back to Him. If you find yourself on the wrong path, call out to Him and He will lead you back.
Early in my Christian walk, I understood it to be taught that you need to walk this tightrope of life and if you fall off that tightrope, you are a gonner!
When I was saved at 29 I was in a relationship with someone I had known for 10years. We were friends for 6 years then together in 1994. In 1997, after 3 months of responding to Christ's call for salvation, I knew that the relationship would not last. It was a mutal decision for us to move on separately. I carried on with my walk. There were opportunities for Christian relationships but I never took them.
When I was 38 I met a guy. I was now 10 years in the Lord. We were introduced by Christian friends and I was encouraged to have coffee with him. We actually got on quite well. He was fun!
I was in a tender time and life situation. I knew that God was calling me on from the church I was attending. I also wasnt well, collapsing at times, but I didn't understand to the degree I wasn't well and how rough the next year's would be.
So, there was a lot going on in my life.
T was friendly. Kind. Funny.
T was saved at 21 and he was on fire. Then things happened in his walk, in his church, and he turned from God. When I met him he seemed open to chat about things again and maybe come back to God. We caught up a few times.
The danger:
I was already in a tender situation as mentioned above, I felt I needed to leave the church I was associated with at the time. It was quite controlling, and I knew I had grown and God was calling me to leave. It was confirmed a few times by people who didn't know the situation.
The safety:
I witnessed over the years, men who would come to the church, get saved and then marry the girl they came for, then I would see them leave the church, forget God and then this girl is in a marriage with someone that had no interest in God. I thought, I am not going to go out with a newly saved guy. I have to know they were saved because of God, not me!
I was also becoming unwell. I had been collapsing at work.
Having funny spells and not sure what was going on. The doctors said it was stress and anxiety.
T and I started to meet up more. We would see each other weekly. I would talk to him about God. We would have in depth discussions. I would often hear of his issues that came out of his religious upbringing. He was gentle and kind to me. I kept saying that I am waiting for someone who is saved, who loves God etc.
T rang me one day after a couple of months and said that he decided to 'give God a go again'. He rang and told a few other friends before he told me. I was happy he told others, but I was concerned with the way he put his thoughts in 'giving God a go'. I didn't write him off with this as I knew God could do anything, so I thought, Ok I will wait and see.
Trying to apply wisdom:
I had started to see T more constantly and we were becoming a couple. I decided to stay with my church longer as they knew me and I felt that it wouldn't be a good time to leave when starting a new relationship. T came along to church. Everyone liked him, everyone!!
Time went on. T would come to church. Then one day he stopped. He was concerned about the church I was going to. I stayed longer, but I knew that I did need to leave them. On the final day I was there I had a meeting with the Pastor and he said to me, we really like T but is he smart enough for you? Will he stimulate you mentally! I was shocked he even said this, but those words stayed with me and obviously they saw something I didn't at the time. These words rang true later.
New beginnings:
Here I was, in a relationship. I was looking for a new church, hopefully one we could both go to. We were enjoying each other's company. I started to go to a church in Newtown called Newtown Mission. Here I started to hear the Gospel in a way different to how I had been before. T even came along, but one day he thought there was a hint on control and he didn't come back. I was disappointed but wasn't going to stop going.
T asked me to marry him after 3 months. I couldn't say yes but I couldnt say no. I needed more time to see him with God.
Another issue:
I at this time was diagnosed with Hashimotos which is an issue with the immune system attacking the thyroid and I realise I had symptoms since my early 20s. I was constantly tired. I was struggling. T helped me. He was kind, caring.
What I failed to admit or comprehend was that in this relationship I had no peace. I tried, and thought maybe it is just me. My parents split when I was young, is it fear of relationship, getting married etc.
Also, leaving my first church, I left with a lot of fear. Fear I was not covered, fear that God would leave me, fear fear fear. It was because of what was said over 10 years that bound me. It took me quite a few years to unravel all this mess and words and wrong understanding of life in God and Church.
T walked this with me.
This is a bitter Sweet story.
This has shown me alot about how God can make good from the bad.
Even though I was in a relationship that was not right, God didn't leave me. I was in his protection and love. I was constantly asking Him to guide me, direct me etc, but it was so messy. I had left a church that had put wrong things into my thought life about leaving, I was in a relationship I was trying to find peace in and I was unwell.
When I left my first church I felt that I needed to learn to hear God's voice again. I had heard it and knew it, but it is like I went into a church with strong parental controls that I didn't necessarily need as an adult. I needed and wanted loving pastoring though!
I was a mess! Hearing God's voice but doubting it was Him.
So in all of this, God didn't leave me.
God guided me.
He didn't punish me.
It was like I needed to learn to hear HIS voice again and not just be controlled or told by spiritual leader (even though I see wisdom in Godly counsel). God was working to have me strong enough to be able to stand on my own two feet, to understand His will, to walk in the direction He had for me, and be reassured that I was not alone.
T also wanted to retire at 40 and go and live south of Sydney by the water. I could not see myself doing that. It was like I would but put in the corner and live out my days not living the walk that God had for me. I just had no vision for what he was offering.
There were so many signs!
Strength:
When I did make the decision to leave T I was stronger and resolute.
I had done it before but went back for another year!
But this time was different!
We split on the Sunday and on the Monday I went to work.
I opened up Facebook quickly to check any messages and the first post I saw jumped out at me and it was like a metal rod of strength went through my spine.
It was 1 Thessalonians 5:18
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you!
That was it.
It was like God was saying to give thanks, you have done rightly by breaking up, and you are in MY will for you. I was so encouraged! I knew this was my word!!!
I set my face like Flint and moved forward knowing this was the will of God for me. I had made the right decision. I was still sad, I still shed tears. It took a while.
I wouldn't want to do all that again but it did show me the love and grace of God in my life.
What is interesting is that prior to meeting T and leaving church, I asked God for a Damascus Road experience. I wanted to see God clearly. I wanted to see Jesus. This whole circumstance although it was full of "so much stress, emotional, turmoil" it was like at the end of it and looking back, I knew Jesus so much more, I knew my walvatsal so much more. I trult feel like it was my Damascus Road experience. That I was blind for a while but then God came and set me free and my eyes were open and I saw Jesus again, clearly. The view was clear.
So, I am so thankful that God led me back to the right road. He did it.
The great things I have learnt in my hardest times
This was one of those times and I can say, I truly came out seeing Jesus. His love, His grace, His mercy, His forgiveness.
Despite the road I travelled, I will always advocate to DO THINGS GOD'S WAY. It is the best way!
Thank you Lord for saving me.
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