Things I've Known

It is quite interesting as I reflect back over my life and the years before Salvation and after, the things that I have known  ....

1. Children

Somewhere between 9 and 11 years old I knew that I probably wouldn't have children.  Initially the reasons from my understanding were due to the pain, putting on weight and ultimately I thought, how can I love something that comes from my own body.  This was only because I felt so unloved myself and of so little value, so my weight was a focus and  coming from such poorness in love, how was I to love something that came from me?  I did sometimes say to myself that I will be the 'best Aunty' or maybe foster or adopt, but it depended on who I would marry.  I would also say that I would love others so that they never feel unloved the way that I did. At one point I asked the Lord to do whatever He wanted with me, including children. When saved I would say it is now up to my husband and I when we get married to decide if children were coming. That it wasn't just my decision. I wonder though now, that maybe it was the Lord's plan for me to not have my own children. I believe I have been healed from a lot. So at this time I can see in my life, through Christ, I will have children. Spiritual children.

2.  Citizenship of the Year Award

In Year 7 the above award is given to 2 students, a male and female.  The two Year 7's chosen for this award are chosen by fellow Year 7 student's and teachers of the school.  1980 was the year I was graduating primary school and the girl's name was being called first.  I was so honored and surprised it was me. I went up to get my award and I sat down.  One of the teacher's who had organised the event asked me a question as to whether I wanted to do something first or wait until the male was awarded their prize.  I remember saying the teacher, 'it's OK, I will wait until Mark get's it'.  It just flew out of my mouth.  The teacher was so surprised and said 'how did you know it was Mark?' and I said I don't know. Then the next person they called out was Mark Smith the male winner of the Citizenship of the Year award.

2.  Separation

I was now 13.  One day I remember seeing my Dad smoking and he was shaking. He had just picked me up from netball and I said Dad, are you OK. And he said yes, it is OK.  So one day mum and dad told us kid's to go into the bedroom and they will call us shortly.  In the bedroom I was saying to my brother and sister, Mum and Dad are going to tell us they are splitting today.  My siblings said 'they are not' and things of the sort.  I said 'yes they are, I bet you'.  They called us out eventually and there they told us they were separating.  I was sitting on the chair swinging my legs, listening, in a way that was saying, 'see - I told you' but I was hurting inside.  Us kid's were given the choice of who we wanted to go with but Dad said to my sister and I that because of our age we should go with mum.  My brother felt bad as he didn't want my Dad on his own, so he decided to stay with Dad.  The  day we were leaving my Dad hugged me.  My Mum was going to live with someone else.  A family friend we had known for a long time.  They had been seeing each other.  Dad hugged me and said 'watch, it won't work out'. I never told Mum what Dad said.  I kept it to myself....  One day I told my sister that I didn't cry when my parents told us they were splitting and my sister said, yes you did, you cried the most out of us all.  I was so sad about it I had blocked it out and couldn't remember.  When I was 40 years I had to go to a course on relationships as the Christian lady I knew encouraged me to go.  This was when my heart was healed from the broken relationship of my Mum and Dad.  It was acknowledged by someone that my 13 year old heart had been broken into a thousand tiny pieces and when this was said I bent over on my chair, face to the ground and I cried uncontrollably for 20 minutes. All other groups had left and my group was waiting for me to stop crying and I had people around me praying.  Since then, I have been OK. And yes, I also hate yelling and fighting!

3.  Who will Brendan Marry?

I was at the Vision Valley 3 day camp the church held each year.  I  was on the balcony and there was a bunch of us watching Brendan, as he had or was being groomed towards being the next Youth Leader.  He was walking on the grass and behind him indian file, were walking 4 or 5 girls.  They were all pretty new to the church and youth and we were seeing them altogether for the first time.  Everyone was saying that this one particular blonde girl would be for Brendan to marry and I said 'No, it's Christina'.  No one said anything really and I was surprised that I said that so convincingly.  Well, 6 or 7 years later Brendan and Christine were engaged and preparing to be married.  They have 3 beautiful children now.

There are more, but that is all I can think of right now.

I think of these times, I wonder if there was a prophetic gift working in me or something of the like.  When I was about 8 or 9 I said that God lives in my heart so I do not doubt that God had awaked me by His Spirit at this young age, but I didn't walk in the fullness of it until I was 29.  Anyway, just thought's....